My wife and I leave home a bit late for church, considering all the crossroads that are being changed to concrete instead of pavement and thus are closed.
It’s freezing for Baja standards and chilly for expats too, because we see them walking on the Malecon wearing closed shoes and warm clothes.
As we park between a Smart and a Pick Up truck, I smile anticipating that, among other hugs, I’ll get two of my favorite ones at the end of the service.
Sure enough, as we sit down on our usual places, our pastor and his wife are sat across the room to our left, and the two ladies to the right, beside us. They welcome us with a kind gesture and an eloquent gaze. The four of us have grey hair and like to sit on the right side of the first row.
The worship team starts out with drums, a piano, an air instrument, three guitars and songs that have everything to energize the congregation.
The announcements, prayers and tithes are done in between the songs and before the sermon. It is at this time, when each of them asks for prayers, that I look in their direction and ponder the attributes that make them special to me and their hugs so soothing.
The Pianist plays during Tithes and Offerings, and other occasions as well. She has been a teacher for many years, and perhaps this is the reason why she looks at me in a way that others can’t, like seeing my potential, rather than my current state; I believe that she has learned to foresee the adults in which kids will grow into; the leader that will come out of the rebellious kid; the entrepreneur that will come out of the silly one, the generous and considerate person that the introvert will evolve into; etc.
Curt, her husband, who doesn’t come to church, but who my wife and I have the pleasure of having met and talked to, is like a superhero for me, because it is a known fact that “The real power of a man is in the size of the smile of the woman sitting next to him,” and I once said to her, years back, when she came to greet Ana and I, “Sylvia, when you smile, heaven blows in.”
As the months being free from alcohol –the addiction that tormented me for years, continue to accumulate, my mind becomes sharper, my sensitivity increases and my emotions intensify, I now realize that it’s more than just a smile, it’s her ability to see the positive rather than the flaws, her acknowledgement of my progress-to-date and her trust in me from now on what makes me feel so powerfully and consistently motivated to strive.
Sylvia displays a kind of authority that flows naturally and to which one submits happily in order to join singing the hymns of her choice.
Sylvia is elegant, colorful, luminous and loud, unlikely to ever pass unperceived or unloved. There are three main things that grab the human’s attention: light, movement and noise, that’s why video games, social media, TV, etc. are so addictive. Sylvia has them all, abundantly.
Cindy, has been attending the church more recently, but has a similar effect in me, through different means. She is more reserved and silent, but has a strong and distinguished presence. She reminds me of the quote “Deep rivers move with silent majesty.” Her existence is discreet, but elegant; sweet, but intense; subtle, yet influencing. She is like a phoenix bird, which has gone through hardships and loses, but has reborn from her own ashes, stronger, more beautiful, with greater empathy and compassion.
Her creative and artistic soul is evident in everything from her toes –always colorful and matching the season, her clothes, makeup, accessories, etc. to the depth with which she observes the things and people around her.
Feet have always drawn my attention and with time I’ve come to realize that they speak loudly about self-love and thus the capacity to love others too. When we don’t take care of ourselves, our bodies, skin and faces give testimony of our lacks and excesses, but can usually be reversed with diets, lotions, by returning to healthy habits or can even be covered with makeup or appropriate clothes.
Feet, however are not as forgiving. They show it, through stains, marks and even self-inflicted deformations (not talking about genetic ones) that are hard to reverse, if not impossible.
Just by looking at her feet, I believe that she has a great self-love and is gifted with a capacity to love others that is above normal. Of course, her husband, or close relatives would need to confirm this, because I’m nearly a stranger.
Cindy talks to me and my wife just briefly when at all, but I believe that she will receive this text more deeply, because artists have a richer world inside themselves than the one outside, and images, words, music, etc. become more brilliant, colorful, meaningful, etc. there. As Stephen Hawking once said, “Quiet people have the loudest minds.”
Milton and his funny, amusing, witty and unexpected intervention as he sets up the microphone at the pulpit, is opportunely effective to pull my thoughts out of such whereabouts, allowing me to focus on the main course of the morning, the message that Peter, our pastor, is about to give.
Talking about the three attributes that draw human’s attention, or about displaying natural authority, or of being reborn as a phoenix bird, or about seeing our possibilities rather than our failures, etc. Peter has them all.
His sermons are always motivating and positive, even when we study passages that address tough or usually controversial issues.
We have been going through the book of John, analyzing the miracles performed by Jesus as signs for the people to believe in Him and understand what we ought to be and do.
A lot of concepts have been engraved in my mind and heart in the process, but I’ll just write two as examples:
A reminder of what Jesus is about:
He has freed us from the penalty of sin, past; He frees us from the power of sin, present. He will free us from the presence of sin, future.
And a reminder of what is our purpose in life:
“To love God completely, love yourself correctly and love your neighbor compassionately.”
Peter barely needs his notes, which clearly shows that he spent plenty of time learning and preparing his speech –implying that he cares for us and knows what he’s talking about, very well; he uses anecdotes, references and stories that we can easily understand and relate to, which grabs our attention, makes the messages more interesting and helps us retain key concepts, if not the whole teaching, in our minds and hearts.
When Peter finishes the sermon and we all say Amen, enthusiastically and meaning it, my thoughts go back to the approaching hugs.
When my father passed away in 2007, I received the hug that changed my paradigms, triggered my reflections, and made me aware of the significance, meaning, intensity, effect, flavor, etc. that different type of hugs can have.
I received it at the funeral, among many other wholehearted and tight hugs, all accompanied with kind and comforting words from friends and relatives. Ana Leonor, my youngest sister –by 24 years, was the last to arrive and she came to me along with her closest friends. Her hug was long and very meaningful, of course. The firstborn with the lastborn, and knowing that for her, being 20 and still in college, I’d become some sort of a paternal figure.
But it was her friend Natalia who performed the miracle. I didn’t even know her at the time, she hugged me just because I was her friend’s brother, but her hug was like that of a toddler to the parent that has been absent for a couple of days and suddenly walks in. Her hug was spontaneous, cheerful, and full of enthusiasm. It even included some sort of happy-sounding hum. It lasted a few seconds, but it seemed like an eternity to me. Its effect was so soothing that it felt as if God had sent an angel to heal my pain and sorrow, instantly and supernaturally. I shared this with Ana, my wife, shortly after, but it took me years to assimilate it and share it with others.
This event awakened in me an interest to understand hugs. I read about them and learned how beneficial they are for our health, self-esteem, assurance, strengthening bonds, expressing our affection, etc. and how eloquent they can be, specifically the fraternal and endearing ones.
The ones of a spouse, a boyfriend or girlfriend, etc. are of course, the most intense, intimate, passionate and full of significance, intention, desire, etc. and, in time, the most full of memories, trust, belonging, forgiveness, understanding, etc., but I will call those hugs “embraces” to avoid misunderstandings, confusion or wrong assumptions. Embraces are often part of a process and are usually accompanied by kisses, caressing, etc.
On the other hand, hugs, like to our parents, children, siblings, friends, etc. are the ultimate expression of affection, consolation, farewell, joy of seeing each other, etc. Hugs are a full event, and usually happen accompanied with words of encouragement, assurance, good wishes, friendship, etc.
Hugs do not compete with embraces, just as our conversations with relatives, friends, colleagues, or even authors through their books, can’t replace those with the person that knows us more profoundly, for better or for worse; loves us more than anyone else, in spite of our many shortcomings; has forgiven us the most; etc. (and vice versa, of course), but hugs can boost our self-esteem, mood, optimism, etcetera, in an almost magical way.
Perhaps friends who meet in the second half of their lives, have the privilege of seeing the restored and mature version of each other without having witnessed or participated in the process, most times arduous, by which the other person became its present self. Something like seeing the shiny and clean car at the dealership, rather than the melting, forging, stamping, welding, wiring, gluing, screwing, painting, inspecting, correcting, etc. that was necessary to turn raw steel, iron, aluminum, plastic pellets, fabric, rubber, etcetera, into a beautiful, worthy and useful vehicle.
Spouses, children and relatives have inevitably been part of said growing and maturing process –and vice versa. Therefore, they are usually charged with the corresponding emotional and mental memories, and their perception is biased accordingly. These include, but are definitely not limited to, hurts, pain, disappointment, guilt, flaws, resentment and other things of the sort.
On top of that, are the shared hardships, secrets, losses, challenges, agreements and so on.
Maybe that’s what Letty Cottin Pogrebin meant when she wrote her famous quote: “We need old friends to help us grow old and new friends to help us stay young,” because that sort of “starting afresh,” in someone’s point of view, at least in my case, makes us feel an imperious need to become a better person in all aspects, just to be up with the way they perceive us, to remain worthy of the admiration and the good will they manifest with their brief and respectful yet powerful and life changing gaze, words or hugs.
Peter, our pastor belongs to both categories of friend to me:
New, as we met in our mid 50’s at Crossroads, we’ve been meeting for coffee weekly for months, and has the gift of making me focus my attention in the possibilities and away from my flaws and corresponding self-pity, not only with his knowledge of the word and the world, but with the encouraging story of his conversion and the resulting transformation of his life;
Old, because he has been giving me bible studies and also counseling for me to become a better man, in general, and a better husband, in particular. In so doing, we have grown fond and have shared our testimonies, which inevitably has made us part of each other’s past ups and downs, failures and successes, hardships and glories. Also, my wife and I did a study for couples with Peter and his wife, which added a glimpse of how we are perceived, as spouses and fathers, from the point of view of our wives.
The closing song, featuring Milton and Rubén’s instruments only, is as rich and beautiful as those performed by the full group of musicians earlier and is enhanced by the feelings and thoughts that the powerful message evoked in each of us, making it a magnificent and triumphal ending of our worship.
I have just described what I see from the front row, but the church is full of magnificent people. Just for the sake of example, the second row includes Gaby and Ale, the Rojano sisters, who are full of enthusiasm and always ready to help others. They are also part of the core of the church in terms of evangelization, missions, bookkeeping, leadership team and more; Alyson who is full of love, participates in several ministries, is in charge of the newsletter and takes care of Barney, another fabulous second rower, and his wife Phyllis; Eileen Herrera, an adorable woman and a longtime member of Crossroads and her husband Fidel, gone, but always present in our hearts; and last but not least, her exemplary 97 year old father who gave a memorable sermon –rich in eloquence, humor, significance, motivation and more; who still goes to work every day –as a fisherman, no less, and who believes that “if you rest you rust.” He has a point there, obviously.
After the benediction, comes the blessing: the hugs and the kind words from such people –abundant among churchgoers, are a foretaste of heaven, a new understanding of what wholehearted really means and implies.
Sylvia and Cindy excel at making me feel impelled to improve, to become better, by their example and by the way they encourage my wife and myself, and implicitly, for reminding me things like: "We should not feel embarrassed by our difficulties, only by our failure to grow anything beautiful from them," as Alain De Botton wrote, or “The most precious gift we can offer anyone is our attention. When mindfulness embraces those we love, they will bloom like flowers,” as Thich Nhat Hanh did, and last but not least: “There are people with such a beautiful heart, that if you coincide with them, they steal your soul and they win you forever.” as Lina Storni, wisely wrote.
They hug my wife too, and I wonder if she or either three of them realize or even have a clue of the magical effect that all this has on me. Probably in them too, even if they don’t realize it, because one of the amazing things about hugs is that you can’t give one without receiving one yourself.
The next Sunday bliss seems too far away in the future, as my wife and I walk out of church with a schedule filled with grocery-shopping, lunch, several check-ins around the city, a diner with clients at 7:00 pm and more. However, my heart is fully charged and will glow in the dark for at least one more week.
The End
Imagen: Casi un espejismo. Mari Jose Marin Noriega
Ironically, this tribute to hugs, worship and people, marked the end of all three of them, due to Corona Virus related contingencies. That day I received the last hug and saw the two ladies for the last time, Sylvia until late 2021 and Cindy in 2022